i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
