I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
cat food counts as protein by the way
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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