i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
