Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
