he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
