Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
wow bdsm is so cute
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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