I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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