God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
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