My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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