just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
