We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
