Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
