He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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