i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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