My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
