but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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