I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
