I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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