My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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