Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
