i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
