the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
