I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
