Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
