i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
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To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
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She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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