We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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