I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
