I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
