did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
