You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
