I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Randomize
