So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
