The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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