After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
