You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
