Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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