Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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