i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
