I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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