I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
