sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
