good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
