so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
