I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
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i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
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BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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