the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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