i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
