Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
