Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
