They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
