as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
