Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
