We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
