I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
