I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
