I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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