Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My feet surprised me
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
