I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
