Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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