Four minutes until I can fart!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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