I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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